My Year of Blogging Shamelessly: Part Six of Six
One woman’s journey from her body to her soul letting her relationship with food show the way.
The keys to healing.
Put absolute faith in the intuitive eating principles. The beauty of this approach is that it is both physical and psychological. It is most effective when you engage on both fronts. You may start with some understanding of why you eat. But that begins to look very theoretical compared to the insights that emerge when you align your eating with your hunger. I have experienced people brought to tears during mindful eating meditations that I lead. Your normal eating is like a lid on a pot. You use it to keep things down. You can guess what lies underneath. But taking the lid off, if you have the courage to, is when you really see what is going on.
Know that the reasons you eat when you’re not hungry, or don’t eat when you are, are windows into your soul. There is an elegant and impeccable logic to your eating habits. Those personal reasons need to be treated with reverence and respect. With this orientation, you seek to compassionately understand those reasons. They arose at a time when you were doing the best you could with what you had in a difficult situation. Be grateful for your survival. Now though you are in a better, more powerful position to look after yourself. When you uncover the true needs your eating masks, you are then in the position to fill them in better, more nourishing ways. You encounter your emptiness, the longings of your deepest self, and what your spirit wants to taste in this life. Your eating takes you to the sacred path of your soul work.
Consider the possibility of therapy. For myself, I have had many periods in therapy. It has been a fundamental place for me to learn trust, experience healthy relationship dynamics and untangle my story in and through the healing eyes of another.
Yes, this relates to food and eating. As Geneen Roth explains for those of us who struggle here: it’s not about the weight but it’s not not about the weight. On the one hand, you need to look at the reasons for the weight’s being there (or not being there). What is weighing you down in your heart, emotions and spirit that your body simply reflects? On the other hand, you can’t discount your experience of your body either because it often conveys a message or because it is a target in a fat-phobic culture. There is so much shame for us women around eating and appearance. As Brené Brown explains in her book Daring Greatly, shame is at the core of disempowerment. To heal you need to have a safe space where there is an understanding that your relationship to food, eating and your body holds a deeper story and that story deserves to be told.
Carve out the time for regular meditation. This is something I resisted for a long time, but I now see the critical role it plays. Understanding meditation as the practice of bringing your attention back to the present instead of following your thoughts to the past (to depression) or the future (to anxiety) makes all the difference. That concentrated time “sitting” cultivates the ability to say ‘no’ to the pulls to eat when you’re not hungry. (“Oh! That looks good,” “I might never get to try this again,” or “I’ve worked hard and I deserve a treat after this long day.”) I like to say that a regular meditation practice strengthens the muscle of disengagement as well as fostering a sense of calm that you may otherwise be turning to food to get.
Become wise to the destructive workings of the superego, alternately known as the “the voice” or “inner critic.” This is the negative way you talk to yourself typically in terms of right/wrong, good/bad, should/shouldn’t. I used to believe I couldn’t make changes in my life without its harshness and hyper vigilance. I now know that real change only comes through compassion, understanding and kindness. You need to get that when the voice makes an appearance, it is usually because there is some feeling of vulnerability nearby. The criticism is your outmoded way of protecting yourself by making yourself small. Unfortunately, usually, you run from such “superego attacks” straight to food to ease the pain that always come with them.
Travel together. I have benefited greatly from having the opportunity to do this work in an engaged and supportive community. It is democratizing, normalizing and inspiring to be part of a group of like-minded women on the same path. When you explore collectively, it accelerates and elevates the process. You become each others’ teachers. You learn about yourself through the other travellers and their insights, and they from you and yours. Compassion for them becomes compassion for yourself.
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In the words of Brené Brown: I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
“I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing — these coping mechanisms that you developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt — have got to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It is time to show up and be seen.”
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Dare greatly, shine.
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Michelle,
Wow. I just finished reading all six parts of your blog. I was deeply moved and read much of it with tears in my eyes. You are a special and powerful being. I can only imagine how difficult embarking on this project was and how empowering the journey has been for you. The depth of your insight into your own processes is rare and courageous.
There is much in your blog that resonates with me, though my choice of anesthetic has always (since about 11 years old) been alcohol and, later from time to time, cocaine, heroin, opiates and prescription meds.
My wife recently told me she has been having an affair with a dear friend of mine. She has left me for him and, over the last couple of months, I have had to face my role in the death of my marriage and the armour that has kept me from living whole-heartedly for years.
I think Brené Brown is pretty amazing and I have seen her TED talk on vulnerability (on the recommendation of a therapist, whom I have started to see regularly). My struggle is with self-worth and attachment. I am an open and honest person with others, but not myself. I wear a cloak when I interact with others and am addressing the person/persona dichotomy.
In the couple of months(ish) of my journey, I am learning to accept myself and am reveling in my alone time. I have been able to redefine my relationship with booze, recognizing how I have been using it to fill an emptiness in my soul that can only be filled by me. I continue to be amazed that I could be so unknowingly unhappy and disconnected.
While dealing with the fallout of everything that has happened, I remain committed to being compassionate with myself and my wife (with my “friend,” not so much, as there is a code…). I feel like life is starting again and embrace the fear that brings.
This is a bit stream of consciousness, and laid down in one go without editing, so forgive me for its lack of depth, but I wanted to respond to the feelings your blog brought up for me and thank you for your vulnerability.
My deepest regards,
Charles
Charles,
Thank you for your letter. I am humbled and brought to tears myself that you would share so much with me, so deeply about yourself. Tears in compassion for what you are going through but also in the feeling that I am not alone. It is not easy to be “real” and to speak honestly and vulnerably about pain. Many days I feel like I am swinging naked and wet in the wind. But I’ve decided I’d rather have myself and my sanity. I could cry, though, for feeling like you understand.
I am sorry for your history and how it has manifested in your life. I am sorry that you are apart from your wife. I am not sure how much your personal anesthetizing patterns kept you distant from each other. But I am heartened to hear that you are being compassionate in your dealings with her.
I am especially happy that you are growing in your compassion toward yourself. I know there must be good reasons why you have turned to the “pain soothers” that you have turned to. You seem to be working with someone who you have faith in and respect for. And you are even speaking with some optimism. I hope that it is a path that leads you to see the wonderful person you are.
With love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for your heartfelt and understanding response. The comments you posted about men’s inability to show weakness really cut to the core for me. I am, and have always been, the protector of my groups of friends, both male and female. I have fought and faced seriously dangerous situations to protect those within my circle. I am always the last man standing. I leave no man behind, or woman vulnerable to harm. Protecting everyone all the time has left me empty of care for myself.
I can’t express how wonderful this feels. With a few, and kind of complicated exceptions, I have never been able to be myself, for fear of rejection (not a sufficient term to encompass the emotion). I don’t care so I don’t lose.
I am a seething mass of emotion right now. I am so emotionally labile, I feel like walls are coming down and I am rising from the grave. I want people in my life with whom I can be this authentic and vulnerable. Fuck, expressing emotion in writing is really tough.
As for the future of my wife and me, I have said goodbye. I think that it is really important that I sort out my own baggage and issues. I cannot be in our relationship as it was. We were not angry or hateful to each other, but we were not happy, period.
I am active, sane (ish) and sober (ish). I am getting fit, re-awakening, and it feels f*good. I was in a very deeply dark place and feel that I have come out the other side, not fixed, but repairing. Kind of like a ctrl-alt-delete, if that makes sense.
Vulnerably,
Charles
Hello Charles,
I am appreciating your bravery and that we can have this level of exchange in our conversation. I don’t think you realize how many other men feel the way you do and how heavily men’s oppression weighs down on them. Most will probably only have a sliver of an insight compared to what you are having. But once in a while they might see themselves in something someone else says. Your words are a gift.
I am glad what I wrote about men touched you. I am as firm a believer that oppression hits men as hard as it hits women, and that men’s and women’s oppression are interlinked and keep us all down. I was prompted after writing the blog series in draft to add something about men by a friend who read it.
I would only nuance what you wrote. I don’t think it is the case that men “can’t” feel weakness, rather they get the message that they “shouldn’t” or “are not allowed.” The fact that you men do feel and don’t know what to do with that or find it unwelcomed, is what turns so many of you to alcohol, overwork, drugs, pornography, some times food.
On the topic of men’s oppression: do you think it is possible that this “code” that you are holding your dear friend to is just the external male code that matches the internal male code that doesn’t allow men to feel their vulnerability or weakness? Could compassion for this friend (although not acceptance but understanding) also allow for more compassion for yourself and that the lack of compassion for him signals a lack of compassion for yourself?
By the way, I have my own version of “I don’t care. So I don’t lose.” I have spent much of my life as an emotional island. Friendly to everyone but only letting a few people in.
Warmly and inquisitively,
Michelle
Hello Michelle,
Here is how I have understood the code in a general way. When you wake up next to your buddy’s spouse, you have an obligation to encourage her to sort out her unhappy marriage before you can explore your relationship with her.
My version of the code is much more enlightened than that on the street. For example, I appreciated very much that this friend was fulfilling some of my wife’s needs for activities in which I was not as interested and that I was happy to have them spend time together when he really needed company when his own marriage broke down. In a lot of ways the transition from friendship to intimacy between them was inevitable. That said, it is the pressure on her from him to “be with him” rather than take the time to figure out what she needs that pisses me off. I love him and do not wish him ill, but I need him to have the courage to own the ripples he has created, not hide from them by keeping the truth secret. He has jealousy/ control issues and he is angered by the fact that she and I still talk. That is little kid stuff.
In a lot of ways his betrayal is more dishonest than my wife’s because she at least can express insight into it.
I understand that this view is rife with stereotypes and provides me with a means of lightening my wife’s role in the affair, but he has a longstanding jealous/controlling issue and she is not clear on her own needs.
I can forgive him. I can maybe even be friends with him one day. But, one of my patterns is to keep people who are not “real” around and I am not going to do it any more. I think I might have spent all my compassion for him during his separation based on a total lie. I don’t feel like I owe him anything. Not without a sincere approach from him. As I write this, I get your point, but, taking the high road can be a betrayal of self.
Simply,
Charles
Charles,
Thank you for everything you’ve shared. It has provided some illumination into your situation.
1. Yes, I think you are lightening your wife’s role of responsibility.
2. I don’t think this “friend” is your friend/should be your friend (i) because of all of this, and (ii) because he is generally jealous/controlling. I think if friends reflect the people we are, you should clean house. You can’t “need” him to have courage. You can choose to have friends who already have courage.
I don’t think it is a question of “code.” It is a question of the kind of people you choose to surround yourself with regardless of gender.
That said, I think losing both of them right now must be pretty painful.
Honestly and compassionately,
Michelle
Michelle,
I am glad that I was able to get my point across about my friend and my lacking compassion, and I do take yours on the “code.” I could never reconcile those serious flaws in his character with the funny, caring, generous and loyal guy I thought him to be. He is out.
You are right, much of the part of my life that gave me pleasure was focused on the activities we shared, and so I have lost 2/3 of a life, not just a half. It makes the solitude easier in a way, because I have nothing remaining in which to lose myself.
Charles
Charles,
Do you think there might be space to reflect on the possibility that a small part of you might have wanted out of your marriage, and let circumstances go on that could threaten it? (i) “transition inevitable,” (ii) he was freshly single, likely hurting and apparently quite enjoyed time with your wife, (iii) “she is not clear on her own needs” and (iv) he is immature (evidenced by the fact that he expects the two of you (you and your wife) to stop talking).
*were you unhappy but not wanting to voice it?
*is there an element of self-sabotage where you don’t feel worthy of happiness, love?
*were you testing her love and loyalty?
*were you testing his love and loyalty?
*does intimacy scare you, do you pushed it away?
I ask these questions because these are things I’ve looked at within myself.
Warmly,
Michelle
Beautiful
Thank-you, Julianne.
Hi Michelle,
Oh, my dear. I am very much the architect of this. That is why I am not angry with my wife and not nearly as angry as I am “supposed” to be with my friend. I have done this before. It is a carbon copy of the end of my last marriage. Pathetic, I know. I realized it the first time too, understood what happened and my role in it, but not why. Now I am trying to understand the why of my longstanding patterns. I think of myself as an outsider to humanity. I am not of them.
If I had not been so unhappy, I would not be blossoming like a flower that had been deprived of light. I was unable to ask for what I needed from my relationship, so I abandoned it. I starved her out. Now she is gone to pursue some happiness and fulfillment (as she should) and I come out of it smelling like a rose from the outside, but re-affirmed in my unworthiness of love on the inside.
I have been on my own against the world since I was six. I reject everyone before they can reject me. I want to change this and find true intimacy. Vulnerability and self-worth are where I am starting. I know the questions, just not the answers.
I am sorry I was not clearer regarding my level of insight, as it would have saved you some bullet points!
This is my struggle. I get it. I don’t want to live that way, because it is a half a life, but I don’t know what to do. So, I am starting with exercise, way less booze, more honesty with my self, discarding unhealthy relationships, counselling, and hard work without outside approval. I am hoping that the path will become clearer.
The question that arose within myself while I was doing yard work this evening is, “what is the difference between spending time with oneself without distraction, comfortably and not needing anyone?”
Unenlightenedly,
Charles
PS: It occurred to me that the last might have sounded like these tests of loyalty, etc. were conscious decisions. They were not, but they weren’t too far beneath the surface and I had a level of awareness of what was happening and anaesthetized the feelings of inadequacy and pain with booze and avoidance. It is only the cold hard light of loneliness that brings it into clarity.